How To Love Yourself Up (Even During the Holidays)

Can you feel it? Here it comes, the holiday’s busy buzz of activities, parties, gatherings, and events galore. We all love to celebrate, but we sometimes feel exhausted and less excited than we’d like to be at this time of year (maybe even crabby to those we love). Why is it that these supposedly precious and magical times end up zapping all of our energy?

Could it be that our expectations are the root of this and perhaps our own expectations? I have decided this year will be different. I want to enjoy the time with my loved ones. I want to laugh and be merry without the stress. I want to squash those silly expectations of perfection and embrace the gritty goodness instead. Is it possible? Let’s find out.

What if we all just used gentleness with everything we do this season? I mean really love yourself up, spread on the inner love so thick that you are covered with it, that you drip the love everywhere. How would that change how you and I experience the next few months?

It’s simple. Just be gentle. Be gentle with yourself. So gentle and ginger, like you would treat a sick child or pet. Nurture yourself up and down again. Say the things you always want to say but don’t. Be the juicy, gentle spirit and make people wonder what you’re up to.

G.E.N.T.L.E

G: Gratitude

When you find yourself grinding your teeth at the thought of yet another social event or party on your schedule when all you really want to do is curl up on the couch, feel the gratitude instead. Just 3 minutes spent counting our blessing actually changes the permeability and structure of your brain. This gratitude thinking is a kind of meditation. According to a NY Times article, How Meditation May Change Change the Brain, studies have shown, “…there are structural differences between the brains of meditators and those who don’t meditate.” And now a new study shows that gray matter actually grows in meditation. How cool is that? NOT thinking actually grows your brain, too. You don’t need a special pillow or a half an hour. You don’t need to sit in a lotus position and chant to meditate on gratitude. I like to do my gratitude meditation as I’m moving through my day–when I’m in the shower, while brushing my teeth, when I pull on a soft and warm sweater in the morning, or as I pet my dog before I run out the door.

There are many ways to guide your gratitude meditation. Thinking about the people closest to you and what you love about them can be one way. Here are a few favorite affirmations I use when I’m feeling that inner Scrooge:

I am blessed for all my gifts.
I feel the support and love of my community.
I am taken care of no matter what.
I love how fresh our magical winter wonderland feels.

E: Enjoyment

This time of year is supposed to be fun but why is it that most people struggle with the blues and blahs during this time of year? In her Psychology Today article Dr. Teresa Aubele states, “Happy thoughts and positive thinking, in general, support brain growth, as well as the generation and reinforcement of new synapses, especially in your prefrontal cortex (PFC), which serves as the integration center of all of your brain-mind functions.” So, what we choose to think about, what we enjoy, and what we experience as fun is, well, actually good for us. So take that scrooge!

Also, less light affects your brain’s chemistry too, which can lead to feeling a bit down or low energy. You may just need to supplement with vitamin D3 when you are getting less sunlight.

N: Notice How You Feel

Is your jaw grinding at night? Are you shoulders permanently living at your ears? Does your stomach ache? Are you feeling rushed or irritated? Don’t try to fix it or manage it. Solve it. Just notice how it feels and be aware of it. By noticing and becoming aware, you create a shift. It’s normal to have feelings, emotions, and physical manifestations of stress. The question is, now that you are aware of them, what do you want to do?

Increasing your awareness does so many things. It allows you to be more open, more insightful, more connected, and to integrate all the parts of yourself (mind/body/spirit), which leads to a more balanced and beautiful you.

T: Take a Risk and Get Vulnerable

This time of year we are often around family and people we may, or may not, feel that close to. Letting our vulnerability show takes courage and feels scary at first, but it is really the only way to live. Take a chance this holiday season and do something that takes you outside of your comfort zone. Buy a stranger a coffee. Reach out someone you know who needs extra support right now with a phone call or lunch. Simply smile at someone.

You don’t have to know what you are doing. Take a tip from sociologist and researcher Brené Brown, one of the most admired people on the planet right now (for good reason). She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She encourages us to practice being vulnerable every day. If you haven’t seen her TED talk on vulnerability, check it out today. It will change your life.

L: Let love lead you.

“We need to go after love with all our might and act as if we cannot live without it!”

I love this quote by Joyce Meyer in her article on how “Love Changes Everything.” If you are not familiar with Meyer, she is a New York Times bestselling author researching and writing about finding hope and restoration through faith. She is a lead pastor who teaches on a number of topics with a particular focus on the mind, mouth, moods, and attitudes.

When we let love lead us, it takes a bit of the self focus out of the way and brings a sense of play and whimsy to life. Everything comes down to this: love is what we are all searching for and want to experience. So when life gets a bit complex, or wildly busy and nutty, just reset your yourself with thoughts of love.

I think The Beatles said it best, “All we need is love.”

E: Energy Reboot

Lets be honest, more requires more. It is okay to call a time out and say so. Have a night in during this busy season of more socializing, more giving, more expression (more, more, more) for some self care and restoration. It is just what you need to reboot. Here are a few of my favorite things to replenish and refuel that tank:

Bathe with essential oils (5 drops of lavender, 2 drops of ylang-ylang, 2 of rosewood)
Drink a cup of tea (my favorite is Berry Detox by Yogi tea or the aveda comforting tea)
Watch a ridiculous episode of 2 Broke Girls (stream for free on your laptop)
Enjoy a massage or facial
Read a great book and lose myself in it (The Rosie Project is my current fave)
Play with my dog (she loves playing catch with her plush animals)
Listen to some good tunes (Rocking on Gwen Stefani’s latest or Michael Jackson always does the trick)

What’s your go to thing? What do you like to do that you know will give you an inner glow of ahhhhh. Make a list and post it somewhere to remind you that there are so many ways to be gentle with yourself and reboot. Practice these things daily (one, or more, might be just what the doctor ordered). Not only does this essential self care give to us, it really is a gift to our whole community. When we feel better so does everyone around us!

Let me know how you showed your gentleness this season. It takes courage and love to do so, but you deserve it.

Cure Frustration: Five Ways To Tame the Beast

Why does this always happens to me? Seriously, again?

If you find yourself murmuring these phrases, you are not alone. Life can be challenging–especially when you are making changes–and sometimes it’s just a plain ol’ pain in the tush. Often when we have an expectation of how its supposed to go, well, it seems life has a completely different idea in mind.

There are a 5 things you can do right now that will ease that frustration when your inner world starts to explode. Read on, dear one.

1. Practice patience–on yourself!

I consider myself a generally patient person, but when it comes to myself and my life, well then it’s a completely different story.

It’s not the, “Be patient! Stop fidgeting,” kind of patience that your mom pleaded for as you stood in the grocery line as a wiggly young thing. It’s more about giving yourself the grace and time to practice and let things unfold. It’s easy to be patient in theory, but using patience intentionally, becoming intimate with how it works, that is when magic happens.

Having patience with yourself is all about self worth, self care, and self value. Do you value yourself truly and trust that there is a bigger plan unfolding before you?

We women are especially nurturing and generous with how we treat our loved ones–our family and friends–and even strangers. But, take a bit of that medicine ourselves and well, it’s a flavor we are often not familiar with.

Here is an example. You said you would do something by a particular day, so you set up a deadline for yourself. Perhaps it was starting a new routine, or making a change like bringing a healthy lunch from home instead of eating out, or hitting the gym right after work. Then, well, life happens. You’ve got deadlines up to your ears at work. A sick child/friend/animal needs you and your perfectly planned day ends up with you crabby, buried in emails, and racing to put out fires. You arrive home late, starving and exhausted. No gym, no new routine. Ugh. To “recover” from your day, you sit in front of the television for the latest episode of 2 Broke Girls while munching on carb-heavy snacks rather than driving yourself to the gym to start that new workout routine you had every intention of jumping into. You’re still tired when you go to bed, and when you wake up, you are disappointed, upset and even more irritated with yourself because you failed, again. Sound familiar?

I have lived this scenario many days around all kinds of different goals. So here is where I started to actually practice patience with myself. Patience allows us to throw out being perfect and be okay with not even doing what we said we would do. Practicing patience is about throwing out the “should haves” and “oughts” and being present to the here and now. In every moment you can restore your integrity by just being patient.

Give yourself enough grace and space to be right here, right now exactly as you are is what practicing patience looks like.

It’s easy to see how this example could lead us into a cyclical routine of self abusive dialogue, distracting ourselves from what we want the most. Living in integrity is not always easy but feeds you deep in your core.

Once I made the connection between what was causing me to be so hard on myself (lack of patience) I started to give myself validations and outs. This might sound like the worst thing possible to do coming from a wellness coach whose job is to transform and keep you accountable, but I disagree.

2. Trust yourself = transformation

I trust you. I trust me.

Sometimes it takes a bit of time to allow for the self care that may have been missing from our own life before we can take on yet another project or goal. Allowing for patience to live and breath up the space can create so much room and freedom it’s wild. Once I took the handcuffs off how it should look for me to create real change and practiced patience with myself, well, everything just changed without me feeling like I was pushing a boulder up the hill. Real change isn’t about what happens on the outside, but how you feel on the inside.

I trust that there is a plan out there for each one of our lives and that we really can’t mess it up if we are living with our heart front and center. Making mistakes and failing is part of change and growth. No one really talks about this, especially in the public realm of our society and culture. Most often we see the overnight success or the brilliant idea or photoshopped image icon on the cover of a magazine. But it’s not real.

Remember how it all began? How we learned to walk, talk, or gain any skill? Every ability takes work, dedication, and lots of dusting yourself off along with the resilience to keep standing up and starting over. Once there is trust, you can:

know that you will do what truly needs to be done
rest assured that it will be done in good time
be free from worry

3. Take a time out

It easy to get busy–especially around the holidays–and forget about self care. When frustration is leading you around like a pet on a leash, take a time out. Even five minutes of playing “hooky” can help. Treat yourself to a cup of tea or walk around your floor at work. Watch a funny video or check in with friends on Facebook. These little feel good breaks can dramatically shift that inner angst that churns up your insides some days.

For those who can’t find an escape hatch, like moms, you can always go to the restroom and have a seat there. Seriously, it’s time for a break. If that’s the only place you can get it, then take it there. Just breathe fresh oxygen into your lungs and feel it moving to your brain. Shake it off, like Tayler Swift says, “Everybody feels this way and it’s okay.”

Rebecca Gladding, author of You Are Not Your Brain: The 4-Step Solution for Changing Bad Habits, Ending Unhealthy Thinking, and Taking Control of Your Life, spoke with Psychology Today on how our brains respond to meditation and explains what we get out of meditating every day.

“Brilliance happens with the practice of rest on a daily basis.” — Gladding

When our amygdala, the oldest part of our brain, is triggered, it jumps into panic mode. This is the source of our emotions and that good old “fight-or-flight” response that gets such a nasty rap. In the process of meditation, which you can also think of as rest or just unplugging, this center (amygdala) is soothed and calmed just like magic. What’s even more brilliant is that you can get the benefits from only 5–15 minutes a day of being unplugged.

4. Touch base

Do a check-in. Have you been sleeping right? Drinking enough water, moving enough, got your sweat on today? Laughed lately? When there is inner ick present, do a daily check-in and check all of the boxes on your basics of self care. It’s what I do when I can’t seem to pinpoint what is bothering me, but I know I’m not feeling at my top form.

Here is the list I use. Rate each one on a scale of 1–10, with 10 being ideal, 1 being, well, not ideal. See where you are at.

Energy (are you pouring coffee down the minute you wake you are so low energy?)

Sleep (quality and quantity)
Mood (we all have ongoing mood and emotions, but where are you generally?)
Stress (some stress is good like promotions, weddings, etc.. but it still can tax us)
Exercise (getting some movement in daily, taking the stairs or just stretching?)
Food & Water (fresh, vibrant, nutrient dense choices?)
Friends & Family
Fun…(if I’m not having fun, well, then something has got to give, right?)

Most of the time by going through this checklist I can determine if the source of the bad feeling is from lack of self care. Often times, just what I eat or lack of movement can be the reason for feeling a bit out of balance. Our bodies are amazing machines, but they need kind nurturing and care every day to stay in top form.

If you find that you check all the boxes and its been more than a day or two of feeling bad, reach out. There may be more to the story. There is no shame in seeing your health care provider or letting family or friends in on what is happening. You never know, you could be lacking in a important mineral or have some kind of nutritional deficiency. Don’t be a hero, just share.

5. Talk it out

Never underestimate the power of listening and being heard. Friendships are healing. A scientifically proven landmark UCLA study showed women who have a circle of friends showed less fight or flight responses in comparison to peers who lacked a steady friendship with other women. Scientists call it the “tend and befriend” response. Cute Huh?

What they found is that when women gather with others, they release oxytocin, which creates a naturally healing and calming effect. Oxytocin has been nicknamed the love hormone, as it is what the body kicks out for both mother and child for bonding and breastfeeding and for couples in “love”. So you need a little boost? Chatting away at the coffeeshop with a girlfriend or meeting up with the boys for happy hour has scientific backing to heal us chemically.

I feel blessed that a big part of my work, helping people transform their lives, is spent talking. I get to listen, feel, and really hear what another person is saying. When you have someone to do this for you, it can transform your world, inside and out. I have a coach of my own whom I reach out to, along with several amazing friends who can, and do hold the space for me when I need it. Reaching out takes courage. But it is worth it to be vulnerable, allowing for it to be about you every once in a while.

Sleep As Elixir: Beautiful Body, Beautiful Mind, Beautiful Life

Are you driving while asleep at the wheel of life? Lack of sleep is the new DWI. Pull over and get some sleep before life happens to you without your consent.

Sleep-deprived drivers have a similar reaction time behind the wheel as drivers with a blood alcohol content of 0.089 (that’s DWI), a sobering fact when you consider that nearly 30 percent of all drivers have admitted to falling asleep or nodding off while behind the wheel!”– Cleveland Clinic

I always get a kick out of how people think of sleep as something that is optional. We stay up later, we get up earlier, work longer, faster, more. Even our down time is packed full of activities that deplete and exhaust us in the name of having a fun weekend. What ever happened to the value of a nap or getting to bed early? We take a perverse pride in working extra long hours, staying up late, and cheating our bodies and minds of needed rest.

Our culture is all about being “larger than life,” supersizing everything, doing more (and more and more). It demands more caffeine and stimulants like screen time to get that constant stream of micro highs as we are “liked” or “connected” on social media. At the end of the day we are exhausted, but not satisfied. We counteract the buzz of our thoughts by taking sleeping pills or drinking a glass of wine or beer to unwind. Like never before, we are overweight, stressed, fatigued and overwhelmed by our lifestyle of doing more.

Women are often the worst offenders. Women are doing more than ever and believing that SUPER should be added to every role: SUPERmom, SUPERlover, SUPERworker, SUPERboss, SUPERfriend, SUPERwoman. Whether at the office, home, social circle, or gym, women feel they are failing and falling into that kind of exhaustion that has no fulfillment in it.

What if I told you that I had a simple remedy that would:

ENHANCE your memory, mood, concentration, outlook and perspective
INCREASE your physical ability, immunity and overall energy
PROMOTE your weight loss, give you younger looking skin, and heal you on all cylinders
REDUCE your stress, anxiety, overall fatigue, and physical injury
LOWER both your blood pressure and the likelihood of you making mistakes
PUMP up your sex life (oh la-la), creativity, and your ability to make connections and bonding

You agree that if I DID have a remedy that could do all of these things, I would be Oprah’s newest hottest thing, right? Well, there actually is a remedy out there that does everything on the list above. I’m not kidding. I know, you’re now wondering how much it’s going to cost you.

Nothing. It’s free, available to all.

Sleep is that magic elixir. Sleep is the new revolutionary healer of all. Dream on!

According to Huffington Post’s creator, Arianna Huffington, sleep is her secret weapon, the magic to her success. Her advice to women around the world, “Sleep your way to the top.” But, like most women, Huffington didn’t always think this way. Only after collapsing at her desk from exhaustion and ending up with a series of stitches and a huge wake up call did she make this realization.

We have a national sleep deficit epidemic. Even though we don’t value the elixir that only sleep provides, we pay thousands of dollars on tips, tricks, products, and supplements to make us appear rested. Strong women leaders such as Huffington are fed up with this unsustainable lifestyle. It is not only exhausting, it is also causing the kind of physical, mental, emotional, and cultural harm that sucks the joy out of life.

Cheating on sleep for work and our busy lives doesn’t make us super heroes, it just leaves us tired. Lack of sleep deprives us of how amazing and “on” we get to be when we are rested, refreshed, and energized. When we don’t sleep enough, we aren’t fully here and fully alive. We fail at giving the gift of who we are and all we can be. Our beloved family, friends, and the communities where we want to make a difference are robbed by our own lack of sleep. And it isn’t just our mental and emotional selves that suffer. Our bodies can’t repair and heal when we starve them from the process of healing and resetting that happens only in sleep.

Sleep isn’t a luxury, or even optional. It is as essential to living a healthy life as oxygen.

“Sleep is absolutely essential for basic maintenance and repair of the neurological, endocrine, immune, musculoskeletal, and digestive systems,” says Chris Kressor.

If you’ve ever tried to have a coherent conversation with new parents, you understand the dramatic effects of lack of sleep on our ability to recall facts, figures, and basics like which shoe goes on which foot. In all seriousness, the impact that lack of sleep has on our memory, emotional state, and body is only now starting to be understood. Missing sleep impacts our ability to recall things, not only small details, like remembering to pick up more eggs at the market, but our long-term ability to recall information and create lasting memories.

Lack of sleep can not only lower your I.Q. a few points, it can actually make you crazy!

Neuroscientist, Jeffrey Iliff connects the dots between lack of sleep and the rise of neurological disorders later in life such as dementia, Alzheimer’s and overall memory loss. Think about it this way, the brain is the command center of our body. When that control deck is not up to snuff, what happens? When we push ourselves without resting and restoring, we put our brains into overdrive. With constant tasks, duties, stress, and stimulation, the brain is overloaded and, even worse, without proper sleep it is depleted from it’s only source of renewal and downtime.

It turns out sleep isn’t a passive activity. There’s all sorts of amazing stuff going on in our bodies and, especially our brain, when we’re asleep. A good night’s sleep can improve your memory, and keep your brain healthy in the short- and long-term. It also helps us think better, solve problems, and make deeper connections.

A well-rested mind is a clean mind. Not that kind of clean. Wink wink. Healthy clean.

All throughout the day we produce a type of toxic protein called beta-amyloid that tends to collect in the brain and the spinal cord. A new study shows promising evidence that our bodies have a special mechanism to remove this toxin, but only when we sleep. In our sleep, our glymphatic system pumps cerebrospinal fluid through our central nervous system, flushing that toxin from our body. As it turns out, the only time this type of CSM fluid matter is discarded is during our REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep cycle, or deep sleep.

Our limbic system — which is connected to senses, memory and dreams — is one part of the brain that is turned on while we slumber. When the lights are out in the rest of the body, this portion of the brain is awake and kicking. It’s been understood that while sleep is necessary for physical health, strength, resilience, and such, it also renews and restores our spirit and emotional connection.

Though exactly what happens biologically and physiologically is still a mystery, we now know there is a purpose (scientifically proven!) for why we dream. In our sleep we seem to access a deeper level of thinking. Our mind makes connections with the unknown or unconscious to help solve problems, create solutions, and mend upsets that happened during the day. We resolve things from the waking day during our sleep — that fight with a co worker, how to deal with the emotions of a breakup, or even remembering where we left the keys.

Sleep often unsticks us when we have a creative block. Think about a time when you were burning the midnight oil attempting to kick out a creative project, only to be met by a huge block. Frustrated, you hit the sack. The next morning you awake revived and replenished and boom, there it is, a new idea or spark of inspiration that you just couldn’t see in your sleep deprived state the night before. I know some will say, “but I’ve always been a night owl,” or “I do my most creative thinking at night.” This maybe true, but when we are lacking sleep, our bodies and brains are in survival mode and can only function for so long until we crash and burn. Believe me, lack of sleep will catch up with you. If you think your natural biorhythm makes you shine at night, adjust your schedule to sleep during the day (see below for some helpful tips – you’ll sleep best if you block out all of that day light).

When we start to value our sleep and see the importance of it’s healing power not only for today, but for our future selves, we start to think and do things differently. When we take care of ourselves with a good sleep habit, we are more present and able to take care of others and contribute to the projects that fulfill our sense of purpose. Could there be anything more powerful than being fully awake, rested, and ready to take life on with all of our cylinders firing?

Here are a few things you can do to start getting a good night’s rest. Like anything else, it takes time to start a new habit; even sleeping well takes practice!

Tips for Good Sleep Hygiene

Don’t be too full – or too hungry
Go to bed early! Most of us have active REM between 11 p.m. and 3 a.m.
Relax and stretch lightly before going to bed.
Practice makes permanent changes.
Reduce your exposure to artificial light.
Don’t use a computer/iphone/ipad for 2 hours before going to bed. Exposure to screens can disturb your sleep.
Use blackout shades to make your bedroom pitch black.
Cover your digital alarm clock or get an analog clock.
Turn off all digital devices that glow or give off any type of light.
If you can’t do these things for some reason, use a sleep mask.

Spread the word and start a sleep revolution. Tips for good sleep hygiene.

It takes time to restore and get your good sleep on! During my teens and 20’s I was destructive with my body, and I didn’t take good care of myself. When I gave up partying, I replaced it with perfectionism and overwork. I had been sleep deprived for as long as I can remember, until I started to “wake up” to how much of a negative impact it was having. Only during the last year have I noticed that I have not been saying “I’m so tired!” And, this is after several years of actually sleeping regularly, mind you. So don’t expect the elixir of sleep to make a difference overnight. Lasting results come from practice.

Think of how long it has taken for you to become this tired and exhausted (a lifetime). It will take time to rebuild your sleep storage account, but you will get there. I don’t feel sleepy during the day any longer, nor do I repeat the dreaded mantra, “I’m so tired.”

Everyone needs a different amount of zzz’s each night. I have friends who get 5 hours of sleep and seem to be healthy and productive. They take care of themselves, nap when needed, and feel great with their sleep routine and hygiene. I do best with 8 hours. How do you know how much sleep you need? Only you will know. Over time you’ll find the pattern that fits you best. Remember it takes time to make changes. Be patient and gentle with yourself. You deserve to be well rested, healthy, happy, and joyful!